she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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