He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
