When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So vagazzling was a success
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
