Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
