Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
