just tell him i said nine months
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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