I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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