My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
