how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
