I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
