I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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