when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
