just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He passed out mid-signature
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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