I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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