He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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