Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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