Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
