Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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