everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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