This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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