My first STD was from a foam party
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
