omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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