do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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