Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
