her vagine was all disorganized.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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