BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
