Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just took my morning after pill in the library
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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