You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
