Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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