It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
