There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
