My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
