I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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