I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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