Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
