My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
