You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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