I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
