and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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