If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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