i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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