An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
