im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
