I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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