I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
