I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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