The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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