Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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