I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
