just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
