I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
