Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
